?

Log in

> profile
> previous 20 entries

Secret ramblings of a dangerous mind.

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends

View:Website (Down The Rabbit Hole...)
.
Friday, November 3rd, 2006
7:21 am - from ms
Just a conversation that has been running through my head all day since it happened. I didn't think the whole "D.Dahle Mazda guy" thing through very well, btw.



"So you have a boyfriend then?"

"No."

"Married?"

"No."

"Girlfriend?"

"Har har...no."

"Then you're either a nun or into someone else."

"I don't think nuns are allowed to have blue hair."

"Ah. Then who is it?"

"Does it matter? You don't know them and it's of no consequence."

"So, you like someone who you can't have, yet you are shutting down other guys?"

"It isn't fair to pursue someone if I want someone else. Besides, you have no idea how lucky you are that you got my number."

"Which you don't answer and ignore when I call. I can see where the luck comes in."

"Yah. I suck. You dodged a bullet, be happy. And trust me, I know how god damn dumb I am for wanting what I can't have. Story of my life."

"You're not dumb for knowing what, and even who you want. You're also not dumb for not settling for less than what you want. What you ARE dumb for is not going on a date with me."

"....."

"Joking."

"Yah...."

Everyone applaud my stupidity, and slap me whenever you see me. This goes double for my advisor and the momma.
1 drop of blood
bite me..
Sunday, August 13th, 2006
3:57 pm - I just can't get enough
I swear I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me sometimes. I will be sitting there, doing or saying something incredibly stupid, and in the back of my head I am screaming “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? STOP IT!!” But I don’t...I just continue on with absolutely no control over myself. I will know that the outcome just isn’t gunna be good and I am fucking myself over...but it’s like all my rational side can do sit back and watch my self-destruction. This can go on for months if I get myself into a situation. For example I can be totally stressed out and in need of help in one way or another, and I will automatically start covering it up. Even tho I know that just asking for help would fix things and covering it up makes them worse! I am a very good actor when I want to be. So no one will ever know when I am in trouble. It can just go on and on and I just get more and more fucked...and the more fucked I am, the more I pretend nothing is wrong. I have ISSUES! There are millions of specific examples I could give, but it’s sufficient to say I am just a retard.

My friend and I have made a pact. He can be in charge of my life, and I can be in charge of his. Cause we can handle each other's shit with flying colors (we’ve coached each other through crazy situations and conversations countless times)...but when it comes to our own..only two words can describe us: word vomit. (Watch Mean Girls and you’ll get that.)

So, needless to say, I am mad at myself today. And of course, I am taking it out on other people. Mainly strangers. I yelled at a telemarketer today because they call once an hour and in my head I thought “He’s only doing his job...” But my head and mouth don’t seem to be connected to the same body anymore.

current mood: crappy
bite me..
Thursday, August 10th, 2006
5:46 pm - Whoo for this secret world.
No one even pays attention to LJ anymore with the crazy popularity of myspace. But myspace is full of a lot of drama. Some girl trying to fight with me over some guy because he said he loves me. He loves me, but he lives 700 miles away now and what we had is over...so everyone get the fuck over it. I certainly have. And honestly, who the fuck starts a fight with someone they don't know online because some guy doesn't like them? Wanna know why he doesn't want you? BECAUSE YOU ARE LAME. Get a life, grab a beer, and shut the fuck up.

Wanna know who I like now? Too bad, it's a seecret! :D He knows, I am sure. Because it is kind of obvious. Then again...he is sort of dense about that stuff. But I gotta let time do it's thing and heal his damn wounds. Gotta be patient...uhg. That should be a swear word or something, cause you all know I am not gunna last long without blurting it out...and maybe raping him.

P.S. Did you know you CAN take too many Ibprofens? Yah, it's not happy...and it gives you fucked up dreams!

current mood: bored
bite me..
Friday, August 4th, 2006
10:12 am - FUUUUUCCCCKKKK YOOUUUUUUU
worst...mood...EVER!

God I am so pissed at everything and everyone. I just yelled at someone for no reason, and answered the phone to an "Unknown" number with "What the fuck do you want?"

Time to go abuse my bed. >:(
bite me..
Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006
4:46 am - Wont my mommy be so proud of me..
I am now officially a student at Salt Lake Community College. I am also now officially job hunting with a spiffy new resume I made tonight. Busy busy little bee. I have an open house at the school on the 15th, and an actual orientation on the 21st (squeek.) AH! I get excited but then I get nervous. I am not going until the spring but I have so much shit to get together before I go.

On the job front: I really REALLY hate job hunting. Seems like a very futile practice. You try hard to get a job...but you don't really want a job. In the end you are working to obtain something you'd rather avoid. It's so weird.

*sigh* Welcome to "The Machine", huh?

current mood: accomplished
bite me..
Saturday, July 29th, 2006
4:32 am - Three days of therapy.
Damn I took out a lot of agression out this weekend. I didn't realize it until later when I was going over everything in my mind. I need this outlet every night!

Thursday: Not a lot that was too much different. It was really good for M and I to get out and act really stupid and dance off in the cage. :p

Friday: I wasn't going to go. I had made up my mind that I was on strike. But then I got so bored during the day that I realized if I didn't do something, I would've shaved my head or something else. Sooo..yup, there I was...again. Not very happy, but ordering drinks anyway. I decided I wanted to stay on the bar side as lon as possible, but eventually we were on the kiddie side again. In a cage, with three other people we don't know. For some reason, these two lesbians thought they were going to try to muscle us out of the cage that WE got to first. We ended up fighting without out right fighting. Didn't want the bouncers' attention. I don't know what it was, but M took on my personality and had this attitude of "Back off." Silly thing to get injured over, but everyone knows I am a stubborn bitch. There was no way I was leaving unless I was dead. In the end, we won. Hah. Now we have renewed reason to go: The Cage Battles. Lol.

Saturday: Went to fetish night after a bit of an issue. God I love fetish night. Not just because of the outfits and "shows", but because of the music. You can get so crazy on the dance floor. We tore it up and I loved it. Chrissy played the over-bearing sister, though. I hate the guys that go there for the sole reason of getting a drunk girl to fuck. A few of them made the mistake of thinking I was that girl tonight... yah. But I was even meaner to the ones that were trying to take advantage of my friend. I know it all comes from being protective of my little sister cause I protect M too, and he doesn't even need it. I just can't stop myself.

Anyway, after three nights of letting some steam off, I am feeling pretty damn good. :) I recommend this to all of YOU!
bite me..
Saturday, July 15th, 2006
6:51 pm - Maybe it's contagious
I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. What my aunt would call soul searching. Call it whatever you want.

I've realized a few very important things about myself. Probably the most important is this: I am a damn good friend. I honestly never stopped to think about it before. But I started thinking about things I have done recently. If someone I knew did these things for me, I would tell them "You are an awesome friend, and I am lucky." I don't care about credit so I wont go in to detail. I have simply decided I need to be less critical of myself. I always feel like I don't do enough. Like I am not a good friend just because I wont go to a friend's house for a beer because I am too tired. But I have this flip side that can come out so easily. I would give you my own heart if you were my friend and you needed it....until you piss me off. Piss me off and can be the most rotten bitch you've ever dealt with. Betray me...and I can make it a personal mission to destroy your soul. I am almost ashamed when I think about the wrath I can have. I believe I need to take more control over that, cause it just can't be good.

I also have realized I am a good sister and daughter. It's hard to always be there when i live an hour away, but I really try. My father and I have a strange relationship and always have. I am daddy's girl...only not in the spoiled brat kind of way. More like: he is proud of me even tho he doesn't approve of the tats, peircings, hair, etc. He will defend me no matter what. And I love him for not handing everything to me. For making me claw and fight for what little I have. I can only think of a handful of things that he's done that I wish he hadn't. I always call my sister my heart because she really is my reason for living, and my dad is my soul because I do almost everything in my life with him in mind.

But with these discoveries I have also come up with more questions. Today there is this one: do I make people crazy? Because I was going over my list of exes and thinking "I swear he wasn't like that when I met him. If he had been that fucked up, I wouldn't have gotten with him." So it just hit me..if he was normal before meeting me, but insane afterward...doesn't it just make sense that I made him that way? I am not talking about anyone specific here, because there are few that come to mind. Which is even MORE disturbing. Ifthis wasthe case with one person, I could say "No, he was always crazy and I just didn't know it til later." So, ok...if I DO make people (guys) crazy...how? I don't intend to, so how does it happen? What is it about me that could do that? I have plenty of friends who haven't lost their minds after being friendswith me for years..so what the hell?? Blah...I dunno, but it is really bugging me.
4 drop of bloods
bite me..
Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
3:19 pm - Sing like you think no one's listening.
I can barely believe it is July already! Warped Tour is in 30 days. Social D is in 16, AFI is in 15. I am excited! These are the times that I am glad I am in SLC because all these concerts are pretty close by. I need to get punk-show crazy. Haha. The clubs are fun, but nothing is as high-energy as my beloved shows...

current mood: bouncy
bite me..
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
11:12 pm - Wait a minute..
Tonight I gauged my ears slightly. Just went from a 18 to a 14. In an hour. It hurt like a bitch.

Back in March I peirced my own eyebrow without forceps or the aid of alcohol. Hurt like a bitch.

I got a tattoo on my back in April which hurt, and then some on my wrists which hurt even more.

I would totally do all of the above all over again. I even plan on getting a another tattoo which is going to be the most painful yet soon.

But I get retarded for a month because a boy left. I take physical pain without batting an eye, but emotional pain almost floors me. What the fuck? It just isn't right that I would rather break bones or something than deal with upsetting news. It just can't be healthy!

current mood: confused
1 drop of blood
bite me..
Saturday, April 15th, 2006
2:48 am - ??
I figured I already know who and what I am and have been totally cool with it. But tonight I finally realized what I am NOT.

I am not a girly girl. I do not even own a purse. I don't care about shoes. I hate shopping. I don't care about the hot guy across the room looking at me. I don't spend hours on my hair or makeup. I don't have an outfit for every occasion. I don't care what other girls are wearing. I don't care what other girls are saying. I am not a gossiper. I am not interested in material things. I don't like fake nails, I hate fake tans. I am not interested in jewelry. I am not putting on a display for anyone who might be watching. I am not "chatty." In all the senses of the word, I am not a girl.

After so much time realizing what I am not....I am forgetting what I AM. I need to sleep this off.
bite me..
Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
12:54 am - What if I was not your only friend in this world?
I got a call from him today. I really did not want to answer it. I've done so well not answering his calls. But tonight, I did...and realized I am not over it. I feel betrayed. Almost as if he left me for someone else, but he didn't. He still left. Claimed he was going to "visit" and then started saying he prolly wasn't coming back. Does he expect me to wait around while he makes up his fucking mind? What makes him think that that's ok? I am not over it. It still hurts to think about. But it also stills pisses me off. Hurt and angry..so I am not ok to talk to him still. Dunno when I will be, either.

I got a new tattoo. I dunno if I've given out my myspace address. It is myspace.com/cheshire9. There's a pic of my tat there. My first one...whoo! At least four more to go.

I have been sleeping all day pretty much, but I think I am going back to bed now...
bite me..
Thursday, March 9th, 2006
10:39 pm - Staying up for no reason isn't cool...
Uhg. It's hard updating two different blogs. So this one has been neglected until now.

I have now lived in Salt Lake for 9 whole days. Woot. I am still unpacking so it doen't quite feel like home yet, but it's getting there. I have only gotten lost three times and each time I was able to find my way through without calling anyone. Go me! But so far I haven't done anything exciting. Hung out with Sam (Samantha) and Corey at Coffee Break on Monday night, then Sam and I went to a couple of bars and sang kareoke. That's it. I was gunna go to 80's night, but Mike and I weren't really in the mood. But I am going to Sound...it'll be nice to not have to drive for an hour just to dance.

I still miss some stuff in Ogden, tho. My family is really far away and it makes me nervous. It's weird. I am not homesick or sad or missing them...I am axious and a bit scared. Not to be alone, cause I am fine with that, but I am afraid of not being around in case I am needed. It's hard to explain. I also miss the few friends I hung out with in Ogden. Matt, Will, Mike, Brenda, etc. A lot of nights I miss being able to just jet over to Iggy's and spend the night at his place, or have him spend the night at mine. :/ I am still trying to visit him as much as I can, tho.

My job is going alright. The first two days of training made me think I had made a mistake. But now that the preliminary crap is over, I am actually enjoying myself. I have met a few cool people. Cecilia, Jamal, Amanda, and Thane are my favorites in the class. We all are on the back row (of course.) Our training hates the back row..lol. But I am doing damn good and I think it confuses him. I am feeling more social at that job. Introducing myself to people, chatting and joking around, standing up and voluteering for stuff, presenting topics to the class or speaking for group presentations with no fear...it's not really me at all. But i really like it. I feel like I am changing for the better. Like I am finally growing and I am genuinely happy with myself and my life. Not because of a silly job, but just in general and for a lot of reasons. I hope it keeps up.

current mood: cheerful
Monday, February 20th, 2006
7:19 pm - Moving and moving up.
YAY!! I make $13 an hour now. Sitting on my ass and drinking free coffee/tea/hot chocolate. I also have free access to a SWEET gym. $13/hr you say? Yup..that's me. Not you. Me. MUAHAHAHA. Just to be sure...how much was that again? $13/hr? Yup!!! :p

I am also moving to SLC..where everything happens. Ogden blows.

current mood: accomplished
bite me..
Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
2:51 pm - Does it ever work out right?
So I've been seeing this guy named Iggy/Christo. We met back towards the end of September.
Well, technically we met around July or August, but the first one doesn't count. Anyway, we've been hanging out ever since, and have been "more than friends" since November. I really like him. My friends like him and Mike(my roomie and best friend) loves him. His friends and family like me, or so he tells me. At first, we saw each other a few times a week and it was all cool. Lately, tho, we've been hanging out more and more, and for the last week or so, we've seen each other every night and pretty much woke up next to each other every morning. I really really want to be "with" him. As in, bf and gf, exclusive relationship. You get the idea. He's just so awesome and I like him a LOT.

But now to the point....HE'S MOVING. To fucking California. Well, he says that it's not decided yet, he might just be going out ther to visit friends and family, and there's a POSSIBILITY he will stay there and take a job someone is offering. But the more I hear him and his brother talking about it, the more and more certain I am that he is leaving. I swear, it physically hurts me to think about. But I always bear down and smile and say "Really? That should be nice for you. That's cool!" Speaking honestly, it might BE good for him. He hates Utah, and doesn't seem happy here at all. He always talks about San Diego and L.A. so wistfully and I know he wants to go back really bad. So my pain is selfish. I don't want him to go because I will miss him horribly. I feel like we could have something that has just gotten started, and now it's going. But, because I care about him, I really want him to be happy and do what it takes for that to happen. If that means leaving the state forever, then I will just have to suck it up. I am good at that. I am sure I will be ok. I don't want him to think that I don't care, though. So I need to let him know at least a LITTLE how I really feel about it. Don't want him to think I am totally heartless,
even if I am really good at pretending to be....

current mood: crushed
1 drop of blood
bite me..
Thursday, January 26th, 2006
7:05 pm - All liars can suck my black hairy balls.
That's right. If I had them, anyway. For now I think I will hire a black transient from 25th street to pose as "me". Then the liars can line up and take turns. Why lie about the smallest, stupid things? Why lie that you are dating around? If you are not officially attached to anyone..WHO FUCKING CARES if you are seeing others? Not me. But you know what I DO care about? You FUCKING LYING TO MY FACE about something so stupid. God knows what else you'd lie about. So EAT ME AND THEN DIE BITCH!

The sad thing is, that I managed to get myself into you so much that I can't look into that face and say anything mean. ME of all people. The queen bitch. The brutally honest girl who would tell an orphan that their breath stinks. I can't tell you that I am pissed...

But mostly I can't tell you that it hurts.

current mood: aggravated
bite me..
Thursday, January 19th, 2006
5:18 pm - I hate jobs...period.
I am not at all happy with the way work is going nowadays. We have this shitty ass co-worker who does NOTHING! And everyime anyone says something about it to the boss, he makes some dumb fucking excuses for her. WTF?? Then, he’ll tunr around and have meeting with me and Kieli (the night shift) to talk about petty stupid shit…and about us not catching something that one of the morning people FUCKED UP ON.

In this past week, I have had to do my job AND parts of other people’s jobs at the same times at least three days. Three days out of five that I’ve had to pick up their slack is BULLSHIT! Yet our boss still doesn’t seem to find anything wrong with the way things are going. Instead, he sits around the office whistling off key to every mother fucking song that comes on the shitty radio station. I am so on edge at work nowadays that it takes me almost an hour to unwind when I get home. HE IS DOING IT AS I TYPE THIS!!! AAARRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Everything else in life is going peachy except work. I guess that’s how life is.

current mood: aggravated
2 drop of bloods
bite me..
Sunday, January 15th, 2006
6:50 pm - Yup yup.
I am glad this weekend turned out to be a little out of the ordinary for me. Ordinary for me, of course, means going to Sound on Friday, then either working or partying on saturday, and then trying to do something productive (like cleaning the apt) on Sunday. Instead I didn't go to Sound at all. I did have a party to go to on Sat, but it was more laid back than any party I've been to in a long time. Just us all hanging out, relaxing and having some drinks while listening to great music by a fire. It was nice. But, believe it or not, my favorite part of this whole weekend was when I woke up this morning.

My boy went out to have a cigarette. While I had ever intention of joining him, I just could NOT get up the motivation to get out of bed. So instead, I layed there staring at the ceiling while he went out, and then my roomate walked by the room and came and sat on my bed. We were chatting about a show we might go to next weeke and laughing and catching up (my roomate and I don't see each other much durin the week, so we have to catch up on weekends.) In the end, it turned into my roomie and I laying in my bed havng some "girl talk" when Iggy came back. He joined in and we hung out in my room for almost two hours talking and laughing and just kicking back. So, even though I woke up at 1:15, I never actually left my bed until 3:00 or so...and ended up having a great time. I love moments like that...when we are all just chilling out with each other. :)

Since then, I have gone outside once and decided it wasn't for me...and I have pretty much spent the day wrapped in a blanket with my PJ's still on. I haven't gotten a SINGLE thing accomplished...and I love it!! I told my roomie and Iggy that my one and only goal for the day was to stay warm at all costs...and I have done well so far
bite me..
Tuesday, December 27th, 2005
3:30 pm - Holiday wrap-up
My christmas was alright. The day before and the day of were very relaxed. Which was good. Because you all know I went crazy about two weeks beforehand. I do that EVERY year. So I've decided that next year all of my Christmas shopping will be done by Thanksgiving. No joke. All of it. And if I ever have the urge to go "Oh, it's not SO bad to do some of it later...I will just remember that everyone turns into dribbling, nuerotic, cattle between Thanksgiving and Christmas. No one remembers how to drive, and their life consists of standing in lines and being herded around the mall. No thank you. I am also seriously considering just stocking up on gift cards. Except for a one person, everyone I know loves gift cards. Including me. They say you learn something new everyday...I think I learned enough stuff to last me a month. Some of them are:

1. No matter what anyone says, double-sided tape is never ever EVER and good idea for wrapping.

2. The fancy, shiny wrapping paper isn't worth it. It looks all pretty on the roll, but once you unroll it...only pain awaits you.

3. I think people that drink non-stop during Christmas are on to something....

4. Gypsies still exsist...and they work at the stands in the mall. Cunning bastards.

5. Mervins sucks.

6. JC Penny sucks.

7. The quilted bear is a vortex and should be avoided at all costs.

I did get to drive like a classic Californian though. One incident was interesting. I got over because someone was going too slow, but then the car in front of me started to slow down to make a turn...but wasn't getting to the side of the road. Then I noticed that the original car who I had wanted to pass started slowing down, too. I knew it was because he was fucking with me and didn't want me to get ahead. Note I was just trying to go the speed limit...not doing anything crazy. In the end, I started going around the car ahead of me and went between the two of them...down the middle of the lanes. Seriously...I am from a state where it is only natural to drive half on the side walk to pass cars in order to turn right. Or go into oncoming traffic in order to get to the left-hand turning lane. On top of all that...I have no love for my car and I know it would hurt you more than me to lose a vehicle.

All in all, everything is done and I am glad. I can't WAIT until this weekend. I plan to party myself into a coma. Sound on Friday, work Saturday and then Area that night. Then recovery on Sunday. Yay!

current mood: content
bite me..
Thursday, December 15th, 2005
3:47 pm - I want Money!
How would you spend 2,000,000 dollars? What's funny is that people think about grand things like cars and yachts and houses or islands. I am almost positive that I would squander it. I would spend it on weird, little things. After buying a house for me and one for my dad, I wouldn't really have a plan at all. So, knowing me, I would prolly just spend it little by little. A hoodie here, a tattoo there, a new peiring or some neato shoes. Then, one day a few yaers later, I would go to buy a happy meal...and not have the funds. Then I would stand there going "Eh?" And have really nothing to show for it. I'd have my baby (it's a car), a house, and a bunch of cool body art and clothing...

What I need to do, is obtain a business that will always generate new cash flow for me. Like a resturaunt that everyone loves. Or Walmart. Yes, that's it! How much do you think they'd sell Walmart for? Maybe if I started saving now...

current mood: thoughtful
bite me..
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
8:03 pm - Jackson 5 rocks!
Little Jacko had some soul back in the day. :) So sad that he started off as an awesomely cool black boy, and ended up as a creepy, sickly, white woman. : /

I am bored as hell today. More than normal. I feel there is so much I could be out doing and enjoying. Instead I am stuck here talking to whoever else is on. My job is lame sometimes. But, I always think back to my days of a Pepsi driver when I get down on this job. Instead of being bored and playing solitaire, I could be filling a machine with a thousand whiny kids asking for a free soda, unjamming a coin mech because someone jammed gum in it, or taking an unexpected shower in cherry pepsi. Or better yet, I could be fighting with one of my truck's bay doors JUST TO OPEN because all the product is leaning against the door. Remembering that crap helps me remember that being bored isn't the worst thing ever.

Went and saw "The chronicle of Narnia." It was good. But whenver I go see a movie which I have read the book for, I always get annoyed by the parts they left out. I would recommend seeing it, tho.

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBENA 2 IS OUT IN JULY! JULY!!!!! It's so far away. :( That's alright...maybe Memories of a Geisha will get me through. And Rent will be MINE when it comes out on DVD. :)
bite me..
> previous 20 entries
> top of page
LiveJournal.com